Memoirs of a weresquirrel
by JulyPie
Summary: We learned in BD that the werewolves were not werewolves but shape shifters. So what if the packs ancestors hadn't shared a body with a wolf but something completely different.Let's see how things would have panned out with were-squirrels...


**Based on an idea by TeamVampire. Translated to fanfiction with permission of course. Imagine ripping off an idea for a fanfiction! That's just craziness! Don't own Twilight etc.  
**

I brace myself for the change. For my teeth growing, a tail ripping it's way out, for the fur to burst out of my skin. My other form, my animal brother, a part of me that most people can't even imagine; the stuff of nightmares. My name is Jacob Black, I am a Quileute, I am a shape shifter; part man, part squirrel.

My ancestors shared a soul with the beasts, to protect their land and their families, they stayed close to nature and were one with it. That all sounds really cool until you hear what I shape-shift into. A wolf? A hawk? A mountain lion? Something even remotely manly? No, I shape-shift into a squirrel. Mind you it's a really big squirrel. About the size of a Labrador at least. But when you want to protect your tribe form a vicious vampire attack with Labrador sized squirrel, most people would like a plan B. I remember my first kill. I remember the hate I felt, not only because it was a bloodsucker. That was a big factor of course, but also because it was about to feed. And feed on a person i felt very strongly about. It was about to feed on Bella Swan. I remember the stench of the cold one as it appraoched, and the red of it's eyes. And I remember it laughing at me. Then I knew he was terrified. I threw everything I had at him, literally. I lost my winter supply of acorns taking that sucker down. That may not sound like much but they were really hard throws. He looked pretty annoyed. My tail twitched with the anticipation of the kill, that's when he grabbed me. As I was wriggling I threw some pretty nasty comments at him though; "You stink!" and "Stupid leech!" oh yeah, that parasite took a few blows to his self esteem that day. I even got a few 'yo' mama's' in. He was about to get the upper hand when my brothers showed up. We nibbled that sucker to death. And torched the pieces. Take that you smug git!

My dad told me about the Cullens, the gentle monsters. Then one day they moved back. Of course, I didn't believe the old stories, then I became part of the stories. We are enemies by nature, but also by choice, afterall that no good bloodsucking vampire stole my girl. My tribe still tells the story of the day our ancestors discovered the Cullens true nature. We speak of their fear as they gazed upon our other form, and how my grandfather Ephram mercifully allowed them to remain. Of course they were forbidden to enter our lands, despite their claims that they only lived on animals. Everyone slips once in a while after all. As a kid I found them entertaining, but now I see them as a tutorial. I study them like a football coach would study tapes of his opposing teams practice. I learned to look at the eyes, check the colour. You never know if you might avoid a fight. Not that I would want to avoid a fight, neither would any of my brothers, but even when your the father of a were-squirrel, you worry, so the elders told us to only attack if they're an immediate threat. I also learned that the laughter of a Cold One is the most beautiful sounds a were-squirrel can hear, but not for the usual reasons you would enjoy the sound of laughter.

***Omniscient Narrator***

Ephram Black stands face to face with the beautiful monsters. And addresses their leader:

"We know your true natures, we know your kind and we know how to kill you" the blonde male lowered his head solemnly at hearing the chiefs words. He cast a glance at the bronze haired boy to his side, then he spoke, his tone gentle, his face sombre. None of the smug, cocky attitude others of his kind had.

"We are not like the ones you have met before us, we do not feed on humans." He was about to continue, but his first son interupted:

"Look at our eyes, these are the eyes of a monster, but a monster who does not wish to be one" yes, these were not the scarlet eyes of a true killer, these eyes were golden, not the colour of devils, but the colour of gods. Ephram Black knew that the tribe would not want to wait for the vampires to slip up, but he had a feeling that they would not. And their numbers were greater than his. He would not risk the lives of his brothers unnecessarily.

"Stay away from our land, and from our people. And we will do the same. But the instant a drop of Quileute blood is spilled by your hand, you will not live long enough to hear the drop hit the ground" Ephram Black extended his hand to the leader, despite the stench, despite the cold and the shivers the monsters touch sent running through Ephrams body.

"I can assure you, I am not in favour of violence, I am all too aware of the precious nature of all life" Carlisle too extended his hand, and felt the chiefs firm grasp, Carlisle returned with a firm grasp, however in proportion to his true strength it was relatively mild. And with that, the coven turned to leave. They turned their back on their enemy. A sign of trust. However, the blonde female turned to face the Quileute. Her beauty meaning nothing to him, because he was all too aware of the intensity of her thirst, and how easy it would be for her to lose control. She spoke, with a voice to match her face: suited to an angel.

"You said you know how to kill us, and you know what we are" Carlisle put his hand on her shoulder, signaling her to stop, but Ephram nodded his head, signaling for her to continue. Is it possible she was scared? Her eyes darted to the bear of a man standing beside her, Ephram Black was uncomfortable with the thought of love amongst vampires, it was harder to kill something when you know they have something to live for.

"Spears, arrows, knives, guns, nothing can kill us" again Ephram nodded as Rosalie smiled.

"So tell me," she continued "how does a human kill a vampire?" Ephram sighed, he owed her no explanation, but it's rude to not answer questions. As he thought carefully of his answer, he swore he could hear the one named Edward chuckle, but it appeared to be a cough instead, Ephram then wondered if it had been a chuckle, being that vampires do not cough. He then thought he heard Edward curse under his breath, but it was so quiet he couldn't be sure. Ephram then remembered he had been asked a very serious quiestion so he then answered it. "Easy," he said "A human kills a vampire by not being human" and he exploded into a new form. Well, exploding would imply something getting bigger, more of an implosion. And standing before the Cullens was a squirrel.

The Cullens were terrified, never before had they seen such a thing, and they were vampires so when they're surprised you know you're a freak. Rosalie regretted asking her question, she had been so confident that she and her family were safe from any threat.

"Alas! A squirrel* Carlisle what will become of us?" Esme cried. Carlisle was calm, although a glint of fear was in his eyes. Then they all realised something: it was a squirrel, and suddenly the whole situation was less stressful.

"Esme my love, you know that the, um, Quileutes will keep their word" Carlisle turned to Edward "Isn't that right Edward?" Edward still looked slightly concerned, because unlike his family, he could see exactly what the Quileutes were capable of, then he saw a vision of this proud tribe chucking acorns at a vampire, and he felt the need to 'cough' once more. However Rosalie looked on the verge of hysteria, her hand was clutched over her mouth.

"Rose, are you alright?" Emmett put his arm around his wife, and just as she looked on the verge of tears, she exploded:

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Her cackling was complimented by a snickers, chortles and chuckles from her family. It was then Ephram chose to phase back to his human form.

"I'm sorry, is there something you find amusing?" Ephram asked, he was sick of hearing leeches laughing, were all bloodsuckers on laughing gas or something?

"No, of course not" Carlisle took all of his willpower accumulated in four hundred years and concentrated on holding back his chortling "this is an unfortunate side effect of vampirism, when we feel fear we laugh, pffft"

"Yes" Emmett agreed "We laugh because we cannot cry"

"Indeed, Esme, children, let us away!" Carlisle turned swiftly and chuckled away into the night, swiftly followed by his family.

***Jacob POV***

Yes, and that is why when we hear the laughter of a Cold One, we are rallied on by the knowledge that we strike fear in the non-beating hearts of the undead.

*** 'Alas! A squirrel' is a direct quote from TeamVampire**

**Now, should I do more? Different moment in the book and how they would have turned out, criticisms, praise, suggestions to be placed carefully, or chucked in whatever you want, in a review. Push the Button, as numerous songs say**.


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